"Self Sabotage" My Oldest But Not So Dearest Friend

Just when I think I have a handle on my life, career, weight, relationships...WAMMO self sabotage stops by to rear its ugly head. I have focus, direction and a path as to where I want and need my life to go but I just can't seem to get from point A to point B. I have the greatest of intentions and desperately want to fulfill them but I constantly fall back on old self destructive patterns. Take my weight for example, I was successful in losing half of the weight I put on during my depression and self loathing, but that hit a stand still for quite sometime. I got comfortable and again I stared eating foods I know I shouldn't have and lost the drive to workout and came up with any and all excuses I could think of. The result I have put back on 15 pounds of the 35 I lost.
Now lets take my screenwriting, I have been "working" on my first feature length script for the past 2 years. I put working in quotation points because really it is more something to procrastinate and put to the side then something I have been actively working on. Now if this is something I believe I am passionate about why do I allow other forces to deter me from completing and successfully pursuing them?
Is it that I feel I don't deserve success or is that I am afraid of it? Failure does suck but in a twisted kind of way it is comfortable to me, its what I know. What am I afraid of? I thought after taking these last four years of introspection and self reflection I would have delved into and discovered just about every nook and cranny of my inner most thoughts, feelings, fears, likes, dislikes etc, but apparently I'm wrong. I must say I am kind of at a lose right now as to what direction I need to go in to finally slay these last dragons of self doubt. I guess what I can take from this is that maybe it is never over. This is going to be a life long struggle and battle within myself. Gone are the days when I would scrap my knee or bruise my arm and my Mother would come in and kiss it better and make me homemade chocolate pudding to make things all right with the world again. No today, I need to put on the shiny armor, sharpen my mighty sword and muddy myself slaying these dragons of fear and self doubt all on my own, wish me luck.

Intrawebs..Friend or Foe to Interpersonal Relationships

As my previous blog post demonstrated I am trying to focus and create a more regimented manner in which I am creative. First off I am going to try and write a blog at least once a month, I know that dosen't sound that daunting but for me it actually is, so here goes.

While it being the Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend I always try to sit and reflect on what I am most thankful for, of course family and friends are at the top of my list. However, the landscape of my friendships I have noticed has changed quite significantly over these past few years. I have created or established a wide array of friendships globally due to the use of the Internet. Through various social media sites, like Myspace, Tribe.net, Twitter and Facebook, various chat rooms and the like, I have been able to meet, chat and develop quite amazing friendships with people I have never met. Whether it is through music, film, political affiliations or charitable causes we happen to be associated with, we have been able to find and forge a common bond and thus a relationship. This rises the question, since we are hiding behind the safety of the computer screen and never actually having a physical interaction with said person can this still be considered a "real" relationship; I think yes and no.

Yes, I believe that these relationships are real. I open up and talk openly and honestly with these people with no immediate fear of being rejected or dismissed because I am sitting behind this computer screen and am thus shielded. I am able to let my guard down and actually be the "real" me to whomever I am conversing with. It doesn't matter what I look like, or what car I drive, or how much square footage my house is, when I am clicking my thoughts down on the computer keys I am me. Without the tool of the Internet I would never of had the opportunity to meet, interact, learn and grow with and from these people because of sheer geography. Information sharing, learning about new cultures and different ways of living and seeing the world has allowed me to grow and evolve as a woman and a human being. Well that is how I am anyways. I have been able to physically meet some of these amazing people and have been able to take these friendships to another level because of it.

On the other side, if one is using the Internet to create a persona or version of themselves because their self esteem is so low they think that they could never be the "real" them for fear of being rejected or made fun of , then this is a negative. When a computer screen and animated characters are replacing actual one on one interactions with anyone, this is where technology is a detriment. We as human beings NEED social interaction to function and have a sense of belonging. If we feel like we do not belong we feel disenfranchised and alone. If our only sense of belonging exists on the Internet and not in the outside world this is where a tool used to connect us does the complete opposite. So I guess what I am trying to say like anything in life, one can only get out of anything what they put into it. Like any tool mankind has created in the light of advancement, be sure not to let its bright lights and pretty buttons blind side you as too what is really important in this life, authentic friendships and genuine love. xxoo

Consistently Inconsistent

Well here I go again not writing for months on end, well at least I am consistent with it right? But like I wrote in one of my blogs my inspiration can be fleeting and few and far between. But you know what, I think that is actually an excuse that I have been hiding behind. What I lack is discipline and focus not inspiration. There is an artist that is living inside of me, but this artist has not been allowed to grow and blossom. I have kept her small, immature and flakey. I can manage her when she is like this, she will not challenge me or force me to look deep inside and find my real truth. She will allow me to live wearing masks or illusions if you will. No my inner artist is like a misbehaving child, not wanting to listen, take direction or structure. My infantile inner artist must be wrangled in and taught how to grow, blossom and evolve into the mature, interesting, creative woman that I already know how to be.

So here goes, I Dina Arsenault am going to make writing and creating a priority. No longer am I going to allow distractions and obstacles to impede my will and need to create. Creativity will be a priority and no longer will I allow negative thoughts of my inadequacies and misgivings to impede my journey of creation and self discovery. They say if you put positive things out into the universe, it will come back to you, here's hoping.

The Personal Benefit of The Cherry Blossom Benefit

Once again I have been very lax in my blogging, sorry followers ;(

As some of you may know recently I organized a benefit fundraiser to raise money for the Red Cross to help those in Japan. After the catastrophic earthquake and subsequent tsunami that hit the shores of Japan on March 11th I was left with feelings of helplessness and sorrow. Seeing all of the horrific images of devastation I was so overwhelmed and consumed with grief. What kept popping up in my sub conscience was "what can I possibly do to help these people, these people on the other side of the world?" You have to understand I am a doer, if I see something that needs to be done, I take a course of action, roll up my sleeves and get it done. That is how I work. This situation had me second guessing myself and my abilities, what impact could little old me have on such a devastating occurrence? This had me thinking, "I can't be the only one who feels this way, there has to be others who are feeling the same as I am, right?" So I put it out there, out there on Facebook, I posed the question, Who would like to help me figure out a fundraiser of sorts to help those in Japan? No sooner had I pressed send then people, wonderful woman immediately wrote back, "I'm in, what do you need me to do?"

The Cherry Blossom Benefit was born. Immediately me, and four beautiful, giving, compassionate, strong and funny women jumped into action and quickly brought together the event. We had bellydancers, a silent auction and a 50/50 draw. As the night was drawing closer, most would have feelings of nervousness and anxiety, Would anyone actually come? Is this even gonna work? Ironically I actually became calmer and more at peace. You see in my eyes we had already succeeded. We, a band of women joined together in our community to help another community on the other side of the world. Not to have praise or to get anything out of it; no, just out of the sheer need and desire to give, to help those in need. So yes, "little old me" with many other "little old me's" were able to make a difference, an impact on something larger then ourselves. We were able to raise over two thousand dollars that evening. You see it has been estimated by the Red Cross that twenty dollars provides food and shelter for one person. We were able to provide food and shelter for over a 100 people. That to me is a success.

I am still in awe in how my community, dancers donating their performances, businesses donating goods and services to be auctioned off, men and women young and old coming out to take part in the evening to give not only with their pocketbooks but with their hearts as well, all generously joining together as one for no other reason then to merely pay it forward. The energy and the love in that room that night was electric, palpable in fact. That above anything else is what I will carry with me in my heart for the rest of my life. If you can take anything from my little post here it is this, do not underestimate the impact you have on one another. The mere act of smiling at someone, holding a door, saying hello or donating your time talking to someone in need has a profound impact. It truly does, but what I wasn't expecting was the profound impact it would have on me and how I will choose to lead my life in the future. Both my eyes and my heart have been opened and now my outlook has never been clearer.

Waking Up To Live

Wow, checking back on the last time I blogged it really has been a very long time, inspiration REALLY IS elusive for me. This past Christmas, December 21st to be exact marked the 10 year anniversary of my brother Robert's death. Although as tragic as it was and is it made me think and reflect on my own life. You see I am the exact same age as my brother was when he died 10 years ago, 38. This posed the question, if my life were to end right now like it did for my brother would I have any regrets? The answer is yes, yes I would. Not about things that I have done, no I take full ownership of all things I have done and said, good or bad I own them and hopefully have learned from them in the process. No my regrets would be for the things I haven't done, many things that I haven't done but have always wished I had. This poses another question, what am I waiting for? Why is it we need life altering experiences such as death to really wake us up to really start living? I chose to live now and in the moment, I mean I say these words all the time, but am I really living them? Isn't it funny that once you start asking yourself life questions it usually leads to more questions. I guess that is what our lives are for to seek out the questions that lead us to our own destinies and fates directed by how and when we ask the universe to lead us in the direction of our own personal life journeys. We all have the same destination, it is the journey that varies amongst all of us.
So now I have to chose somewhere to begin, travel has always been top on my to do or bucket list. So here I go, world travel, ideally Europe is where I think I want to begin. I have plans in the works to take 2 months next year and backpack through Europe. I'm gonna do it this time, no more someday, because we all know someday is code for never. My goal is for my 40th birthday which as any girl knows is a monumental one, will be rung in in the cosmopolitan and sophisticated city of Paris. How fitting, a city that never sleeps for a woman who finally has woken up and really started to live. So here I go, questions abound, bucket list begun, where its going to lead me, not sure, but at least I'm asking the questions and not waiting for the next life altering event to wake me up to live.