Just when I think I have a handle on my life, career, weight, relationships...WAMMO self sabotage stops by to rear its ugly head. I have focus, direction and a path as to where I want and need my life to go but I just can't seem to get from point A to point B. I have the greatest of intentions and desperately want to fulfill them but I constantly fall back on old self destructive patterns. Take my weight for example, I was successful in losing half of the weight I put on during my depression and self loathing, but that hit a stand still for quite sometime. I got comfortable and again I stared eating foods I know I shouldn't have and lost the drive to workout and came up with any and all excuses I could think of. The result I have put back on 15 pounds of the 35 I lost.
Now lets take my screenwriting, I have been "working" on my first feature length script for the past 2 years. I put working in quotation points because really it is more something to procrastinate and put to the side then something I have been actively working on. Now if this is something I believe I am passionate about why do I allow other forces to deter me from completing and successfully pursuing them?
Is it that I feel I don't deserve success or is that I am afraid of it? Failure does suck but in a twisted kind of way it is comfortable to me, its what I know. What am I afraid of? I thought after taking these last four years of introspection and self reflection I would have delved into and discovered just about every nook and cranny of my inner most thoughts, feelings, fears, likes, dislikes etc, but apparently I'm wrong. I must say I am kind of at a lose right now as to what direction I need to go in to finally slay these last dragons of self doubt. I guess what I can take from this is that maybe it is never over. This is going to be a life long struggle and battle within myself. Gone are the days when I would scrap my knee or bruise my arm and my Mother would come in and kiss it better and make me homemade chocolate pudding to make things all right with the world again. No today, I need to put on the shiny armor, sharpen my mighty sword and muddy myself slaying these dragons of fear and self doubt all on my own, wish me luck.
