Just when I think I have a handle on my life, career, weight, relationships...WAMMO self sabotage stops by to rear its ugly head. I have focus, direction and a path as to where I want and need my life to go but I just can't seem to get from point A to point B. I have the greatest of intentions and desperately want to fulfill them but I constantly fall back on old self destructive patterns. Take my weight for example, I was successful in losing half of the weight I put on during my depression and self loathing, but that hit a stand still for quite sometime. I got comfortable and again I stared eating foods I know I shouldn't have and lost the drive to workout and came up with any and all excuses I could think of. The result I have put back on 15 pounds of the 35 I lost.
Now lets take my screenwriting, I have been "working" on my first feature length script for the past 2 years. I put working in quotation points because really it is more something to procrastinate and put to the side then something I have been actively working on. Now if this is something I believe I am passionate about why do I allow other forces to deter me from completing and successfully pursuing them?
Is it that I feel I don't deserve success or is that I am afraid of it? Failure does suck but in a twisted kind of way it is comfortable to me, its what I know. What am I afraid of? I thought after taking these last four years of introspection and self reflection I would have delved into and discovered just about every nook and cranny of my inner most thoughts, feelings, fears, likes, dislikes etc, but apparently I'm wrong. I must say I am kind of at a lose right now as to what direction I need to go in to finally slay these last dragons of self doubt. I guess what I can take from this is that maybe it is never over. This is going to be a life long struggle and battle within myself. Gone are the days when I would scrap my knee or bruise my arm and my Mother would come in and kiss it better and make me homemade chocolate pudding to make things all right with the world again. No today, I need to put on the shiny armor, sharpen my mighty sword and muddy myself slaying these dragons of fear and self doubt all on my own, wish me luck.
I can assure that these struggles can go on for decades, and four years of introspection will just get you started. That said, continuing to try to change yourself and grow, WILL eventually work. It may be slow at first, and you may find that you sometimes feel like you are going backwards, but progress will happen as long as you keep heading towards it. I spent about 8 years feeling like I was spinning my wheels trying to stop derailing myself. I somehow kept on pedaling even though it seemed like I wasn't getting anywhere (nothing else to do I guess).
ReplyDeleteNow, though there are always areas of improvement to seek, I have been accomplishing goals I set for myself years ago and have been living in peace for several years. You can do it too, and WILL do it, as long as you do not give up on yourself. Also, remember to be easy on yourself. If you are doing your best, accept that is what you have and love you for it! I think you are doing great!
Phew I finally can post on my own blog what a hassle but I've done it!! WOOT!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh man... I could so have written this!! This self doubt thing.... and no matter how hard you work at not doing it... it only takes one small word from someone and you are back where you started..
ReplyDeleteI have climbed out of this once or twice so I know I can do it again... And so can you!
WE can do this together!!!
Thanks Sue..I know we can do this, I think being able to recognize the cycle is a BIG thing! Now that I can recognize the symptoms I can put the right steps into action to rectify them to the positive. I am with you sister all the way!! luv you!! xxoo
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